“I should be able to handle this by now.”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“I’m being ridiculous.”

“I just need to get over it.”

Sound familiar? If you deal with anxiety, there’s a good chance you’re also beating yourself up about having anxiety. Which means you’re carrying two heavy loads: the anxiety itself, plus all that shame and self-criticism on top of it.

After 15 years working with anxious patients, I can tell you something important: being hard on yourself doesn’t fix anxiety. It actually makes it worse. A lot worse.

The real game-changer? Self-compassion.

Now, before you roll your eyes and think this sounds too touchy-feely or like “making excuses” — hang with me. The research on this is pretty compelling, and I’ve seen it work over and over in my practice.

Why Are We So Tough on Ourselves?

If you’re a woman over 60, you probably grew up in a time when nobody really talked about mental health. Anxiety got brushed off as “nerves” or “being dramatic.” The unspoken message was: suck it up, don’t make a fuss, just keep going.

Those messages didn’t just disappear. They became the voice in your head — the one that tells you you should be stronger, tougher, less sensitive. The one that treats anxiety like a personal failing instead of, you know, a completely normal human experience.

Here’s what’s interesting though: neuroscience now shows us that self-criticism actually fires up the same threat system in your brain that drives anxiety in the first place. So when you beat yourself up for feeling anxious, you’re basically pouring gasoline on the fire.

Not exactly helpful.

Okay, So What Is Self-Compassion Really?

Researcher Dr. Kristin Neff breaks it down into three parts:

Self-kindness means treating yourself the way you’d treat a good friend. When you’re having a hard time, you respond with warmth instead of harsh criticism.

Common humanity is remembering that struggle and imperfection are just part of being human. You’re not the only one who feels this way — not by a long shot.

Mindfulness is noticing your painful feelings without getting completely swept away by them or trying to shove them down.

Here’s what self-compassion is not: it’s not self-pity (“poor me”), it’s not letting yourself off the hook, and it’s not lowering your standards. It’s simply changing the tone of how you talk to yourself when things get hard.

How Does This Actually Help Anxiety?

When you respond to your anxiety with compassion instead of criticism, something shifts in your brain. You activate what researchers call the “caregiving system” — the part associated with feeling safe, connected, and calm. This directly counteracts the threat response that’s fueling your anxiety.

Studies show that people who practice self-compassion have lower anxiety, less depression, and bounce back from hard times faster. They’re better at handling difficult emotions without falling apart.

In my own practice, I’ve watched patients experience real, significant drops in their anxiety once they learn self-compassion — sometimes more improvement than they got from other techniques alone.

Some Simple Ways to Practice

The Self-Compassion Break

Next time you notice anxiety creeping in (or catch yourself being critical about it), try this:

First, just name what’s happening: “This is hard. I’m feeling anxious right now.”

Then remind yourself you’re not alone: “Lots of people feel this way. This is part of being human.”

Finally, offer yourself some kindness: “May I be gentle with myself right now. May I give myself what I need.”

The whole thing takes maybe 30 seconds, and it can genuinely shift how you feel.

The Friend Test

When you catch that critical voice going off, pause and ask yourself: “What would I say to a close friend who was feeling this way?”

Then say that to yourself.

Most of us would never talk to someone we love the way we talk to ourselves. We’d be understanding. Encouraging. Kind. Why not offer yourself the same thing?

A Little Soothing Touch

This might sound a little odd, but physical touch releases oxytocin — that’s the hormone that helps us feel safe and calm. And you can actually give this to yourself.

When anxiety shows up, try putting your hand on your heart. Or wrapping your arms around yourself in a gentle hug. Or just holding your own hand.

It might feel silly at first, but research shows these simple gestures actually change what’s happening in your body.

Changing Your Inner Script

Pay attention to what you say to yourself when you’re anxious. Things like “I can’t handle this” or “I’m falling apart.”

Then try swapping in something kinder:

“This is tough, and I’m doing my best.”

“It makes sense that I’d feel anxious right now.”

“I’ve made it through hard stuff before.”

“I deserve kindness — especially when I’m struggling.”

This Takes Practice (And That’s Okay)

If self-compassion feels weird or uncomfortable, that’s totally normal. You’ve probably spent decades practicing self-criticism without even realizing it. That pattern isn’t going to change overnight.

Start small. Pick one situation where you usually get down on yourself, and try responding differently. Notice the harsh thought, then consciously offer yourself something gentler instead. Keep at it, and eventually this new way of thinking will start to feel more natural.

And here’s the beautiful thing: when you stop fighting your anxiety and start meeting it with kindness, it often begins to ease up on its own. Compassion doesn’t feed anxiety — it soothes it.

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Want to start being kinder to yourself tonight? Download my free guide 7 Nights to Better Sleep — because rest and self-compassion go hand in hand.

Read next: “Creating a Calm Home Environment: Simple Changes That Reduce Anxiety“